The room she lived in with the fog outside the window was perched on the windowsill, asking for escape each and every day; where her doll hid under the bed and she lit matches and blew them out so she could smell the way they smelled when extinguished. She dreamed then of paper and poppies and when she woke up, the cool white blanket touching her cheek, she was always ashamed to have drooled and turned her pillow over quickly.

There was a boy who lived next door who wore a striped shirt and one roller skate. When she went outside he would ask her if she knew what snow tasted like. No she said, it doesn’t snow here and he would stick out his tongue at her and run behind the garage making a farting noise with his mouth. She wanted him to stay and talk with her but her bathing suit was riding up her bum so she went inside to take it off and get a glass of orange juice. Inside she passed the man sleeping on the couch and she ran a little as she passed him as if he might jump up and grab her at any moment. She spilled a little orange juice on the floor and rubbed it in creating a dirty sticky smudge before she left the kitchen and went back to her room. They wouldn’t want her drinking orange juice but she was rebellious today.

She stopped outside the door of her “mother” and looked in. Cool and damp inside, she made her way through to the bathroom that was through the room and shut the door once inside, trying not to allow the knob to click. Once the door was shut she turned on the light but a loud fan accompanied the light so she quickly turned it off and pulled aside the curtain to the window so light could shine in. Next to the sink, lipstick in a gold case. She touched it with anxious fingers feeling excited to explore again this world of color and truth. She opened the lipstick and twisted the bright red color up. Looking at herself in the mirror she saw parts of her face, eyes, lips chin but not all. Her lips soft and tender like a doe. She started to roll the lipstick over her lips, creating color and sex on her mouth. She wanted to eat it and put it inside herself all at the same time. She knew it was wrong. After the lipstick was applied she licked her lips tasting the perfumed creamy texture and she kissed her shoulder leaving a red mark. Then she closed the curtain and opened the door carefully, listening to see if there was any movement outside. Wait. No, nothing. She could go to her room now.

Project Journal July 2012


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