It just rained. Water is dripping from the roof into the small pool outside. Each drip makes a ripple in the pool that expands out bigger and bigger until it disappears. I am reminded of how a twenty year old boy killed twenty children last Friday. Like the pool, we are absorbing that impact. We are changed.
What does this country need? I find myself asking this question and wondering what I am adding to the pool with this project.
I have wanted to do this project for a long time. Recently two people have used the word “madness” on hearing what I am up to. I think the responses upgraded from “interesting” to “madness” when I made the first step towards physical transformation.
The physical transformation began about four weeks ago with a big blond streak in the front of my hair. I spent 5 hours at the salon with Rachelle, hair and make-up artist, who will be assisting me in transformation. At first, the blond streak was nifty.
Over the last two weeks a creeping feeling as I look in the mirror. I don’t want to be Marilyn anymore. (I’m sorry, Marilyn) I want to be old broken-hearted brown/grey haired me. In the mirror I see someone confused, part blond part brown, stuck in some in between state. I look at my body and know this body will not be able to be her body.
Today is the end-of-the-world day (12-21-12) and yesterday was my birthday. This was the first birthday that I have not heard my father’s voice saying Happy Birthday to me over the phone as he died in October this year. In Newtown, I’m sure there are a lot of firsts happening too. We are at the beginning of a whole new cycle.
I don’t want to give up on you, Marilyn. Sometimes, I like to bail out when things become less nifty. Maybe you did too. But I am going to stay here, because maybe there is something to be learned, even if it is just learning to stay with the in-between, the unknown and the no-longer-nifty.
There is some hope and truth for me in your form. I want to stand in your shoes for one moment in time and see what happens.
See my blond streak? Here we go…